Usually, we describe people who help other people with the terms- giver, kind-hearted, nurturer, selfless and altruistic. We believe that this is something that comes naturally to these people.
But the reason why some people simply over-give isn’t that glorious. You weren’t expecting that, right? Well, it is said that this over giving behavior is actually something that these people learned in their childhood.
The thing is that our childhood shapes our behavior as adults, and coping mechanisms, concepts, and beliefs are skills people learned in order to survive.
However sometimes these coping mechanisms, beliefs, and concepts needed as kids aren’t really healthy as adults. Read on and learn the harsh truth and the difference between the fixer, empath, and over-giver.
The term empath usually used means the ability to pick up the feelings of others around you.
However, some people believe that the capability to sense the feelings of others, same as the need to fix others, help, and over-give is a part of codependency.
The ability to sense others might be a expertise learned in childhood, where you had to read the behavior of your caregiver since a wrong interpretation might mean withholding of affection, physical harm, verbal abuse and many things a parent should never do to a kid.
The kid picks up non-subtle and subtle emotional and physical vibrations and cues to know when it is safe to approach. Adults use this skill to connect with others that match that vibration they are accustomed to.
However, this having this skill as an adult can be bad since psychopaths and narcissists can also sense you.
It is believed that the fixer is usually someone who as a child had to be the parent. Meaning as a kid, they were the ones in control of their siblings, and parents.
This is usually a result of neglecting parents. The kid is a fixer since someone had to take the control. These kids learned to suppress their own wants and needs. Why?
Because expressing them gets them nowhere and if done at the wrong time some form of punishment might occur. These kids learn that the needs of others are more important than theirs.
They learn that other individuals cannot be depended upon and trusted and that they should to be neglected. If they have a codependent parent, they will see this behavior as normal.
For example, if their mother is tiptoeing around their father while drunk, trying their best not to give him a reason to act out, the kid will copy this same behavior.
When adults the behavior as fixer manifests by the kind of romantic partners, they choose to go after. They might have a romantic partner that needs to be taken care of.
They might go after unstable partners, just for them to be the one that is stable.
It is thought that people who over-give believe they aren’t enough.
They think that to be chosen and get the attention they need what they must do is give more, be more and have more than the rest.
Why they do this? Because as kids they got the message that there is something wrong with them, that they need to work on themselves to be better. Being who they are wasn’t enough.
Usually, these people have a partner who is a parasite or a user. They stay in bad and toxic relationship. Why is that? It is like that since as kids they are taught that you have to bear with things and that there is no way out.
Over-givers do their best to please their partners and end up being told that they will never be good enough. They are willing to do everything to save their partner even if that means ruining themselves.
More About These Behaviors
They were born of necessity as a child. These behaviors were a coping mechanism and the way as kids we learned to survive, but as adults, these same behaviors lead to toxic relationships.
In order to break these behaviors, you need to use mindfulness. Understand that they are destructive behaviors and that they are an automatic response to how others behave.
Understand what you are doing. Once you recognize it, there are a couple of things you should do.
#1 Stop with it immediately and take a step back.
#2 Sit back and think why you are doing it.
#3 Ask yourself: “Are my wants and needs being met?”Is this good for me?” Am I happy?”
When you do something over and over again, it becomes a habit.
End your toxic behavior, and you won’t be in a toxic relationship. Remember that practicing self-care doesn’t make you selfish. You must make sure that you are not taken advantage of and that your wants and needs are actually met.
Having a partner who abuses and uses you will never make you happy, and it is not self-care. Realize that you are worth it. You’re worthy of having a happy and fulfilled life. Breaking the abusive patterns is the one crucial thing to self-care.
Breaking the patterns is the key to a healthy and happy life. Yes, it takes work and commitment, but it is worth it. It is better to be alone than with someone who makes you unhappy and uses you.
Remember that you are better than that.